Ah, this brings back memories of a more innocent time, when even the most sophisticated security systems resembled a Dixons display window.  None of this bullshit:

Think you’re so clever with your wanky touch screen, what’ll you do wih your hands when you want to skip videos on YouPorn genius? Can you see the same thing on many screens at once? No you cannot…

So Robocop is set in the far future where people are overrun by TV, spandex and poodle perms, so it’s gone so far into the future that it has looped round again and landed in the 80s, ahhh nostalgia.  Furthermore, some bigwig has spent 50 million quid on a robot whose only glitch is its mass-murdering capabilities. He’s all ‘no biggie’ but turns out it’s actually a major design flaw. It’s ok, all the scientists at his lab are busy having sexy parties, reading magazines and eating lunch whilst robots escape, it’s the decade of excess – who has time to pay attention to details. Let’s throw another sexy party!

Anyways, some people who are not having sexy parties are the cops of New Yicagseattltimoretroit or wherever this is supposed to be set (Ohhh it’s Detroit…that ‘splains all the urban decay…). No, they’re out on patrol watching men pee.

It’s not a glamorous life to be sure, but luckily officer Anne Lewis chews her gum (are cops supposed to blow Hubba Bubba bubbles on patrol…of course they can it’s the future eighties) and waits for him to finish before she confronts him, otherwise things coulda got real messy. But very soon they do get pretty messy…whilst Lewis is momentarily distracted by the perp’s penis he knocks her over a balcony, causing her to land on a well-placed cushion where she looks more comfortable than she was before her fall.

Her partner Officer Murphy succumbs to a far worse fate, than Lewis falling for the old ‘cock and drop’.  First of all he encounters a young Wayne Rooney in what must have been his first film role…

I was surprised to see Rooney in Robocop as his acting talent isn’t mentioned much, and he seems to have made more of a name for himself for (allegedly) sleeping with prostitutes *topical joke*

So Rooney and pals blow Murphy to veritable smithereens in a scene where Murphy is in such a state of shock from having his fucking hand blown off and bullets embedded in every exploding orifice that he forgets to scream for a few minutes and barely raises his agony face above ‘whimpering’, now that’s a real man.

Grinning and bearing it

But it turns out he’s not actually a real man because he goes and dies. So they decide to turn him into an even realer man, a man so real he’s actually a robot, a robot and a cop…Robocop to be precise…

He may look shiny and hi-tech, but for all the 50 million odd dollars they spent on his suit they appear to have made his visor out of a TV in the outer Hebrides where the aerial is tied to the lowest branch of the local tree…

Er, HD…it’s like a lifelong rerun of Max Headroom. Oh well, they probably just spent the rest on a sexy party, or nifty gadgets like this:

‘Hey have you seen my new iTari?’, ‘Sweet can you get Pong on that thing?’, ‘Yah it has over 2KB of RAM’

Anyway, it turns out Robocop’s pretty good at being a robot and a cop. Before long everyone loves him. Especially the littl’uns…

Even Officer Lewis feels a stirring in her loins for some Robolovin’

The chubby one from Keane

Perhaps it’s because all fully human men are put off by her John Goodman/David Van Day look, which really emphasises the fact that she’s in her 20s and a woman.

Before long though, as all Godless miracles of science are wont to do, things start to go floopy and Murphy remembers that he had a particularly irritating and cliched family that he loved or whatever. He also remembers getting his arm blown off and finally cranks his agony face up to ‘oh my fucking God’

This is the first of many hilarious faces Robocop pulls, the scientists also appear to have spent some of the 50 million on a gurning chip for his brain, which is a genius idea.

So then Robocop escapes through an unlocked gate past some scientists who are reading magazines and goes on a ‘rampage’ where he saves Dolly Parton from being raped.

He’s on the hunt for the guys who mowed him down, but meanwhile the guy who made him is enjoying an 80s theme night…

I mean, you think this film was made in the 80s or what? You could skin Bob Geldof and wear him as a pleated boiler suit and it would still be less 80s than this image. But the party doesn’t last and shit goes down

Noooo...not the Phil Collins CD....

This guy also believes that you can never have too many TVs in a row.  But it’s ok because he gets blown up by a grenade pretty soon afterwards.

Robocop meanwhile is getting his fight on in one of the most spectacularly choreographed fight scenes I’ve seen since Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. And the Oscar goes to….*drum roll*…hurls himself off balcony guy

Or perhaps two for the price of one over here…

Just when you think they’ve got it in the bag, along comes Gunner Hansen here to take gold…

It’s nice to see Timothy Spall take a less po-faced role for a change. Bra-va *shows gentle appreciation”

Then this guy is one of many people to be defenestrated..

In the future, standing near a window was as dangerous a pastime as it was in Mediaeval Prague, I swear I even saw one guy fall through a window when he was just walking down a street with no windows in site. Moral – don’t stand near windows and piss a robot off in the future, cos you’re goin through it.

When Robocop starts to head for the BIG boss, the undercover CIA (?) guy who’s actually a bit of a dick is when the real fun starts though. During his futile arrest attempt he discovers to his dismay that he has an in-built security system which stops him arresting high powered officers by harnessing the power of krumping…

This was my favourite bit in the film

Duurrrrr

As if this wasn’t amazing enough, Robocop then has to fight the shoddy robot that kills everybody, which looks bad for our favourite robot/cop/humanoid hybrid, until the retard robot is defeated by falling down a flight of fucking stairs…

Have the Daleks taught us nothing...

It then lies on it’s back throwing a tantrum uselessly, proving once again that if the robo-pocalypse does arrive, we just have to make sure we stay on the top floor or some kind of porch until they get bored and go away.

After all this excitement Robocop runs away, hooks up with Officer Lewis in an abandoned lot, where he reveals that his dead human face is stretched over a bunch of scrap and they have an erotically charged moment shooting at cans of baby food. It makes Crash look like Ten Things I Hate About You.

Then the fastest reacting, and helpfully labelled, toxic waste known to man turns Wayne Rooney into an anthropomorphic candle on a hot day…

Heeeelllllpppp Meeeee.....

And just when things start to look bleak and officer Lewis is down after a barrage of gunfire, Robocop comes in to save the day, heroically mincing through about a foot of water…

Paddling pool

Hm, impressive…

Maybe he just can’t get his circuits wet…

So to summarise, this is now probably my favourite film, and in case you’re wondering what Robo-porn of the near-80s looks like, wonder no further..

Gives blue balls a whole new meaning...

So with this in mind I have revamped the CV for the recession age, short sharp, to the point and working various angles:

1. Pity

Pros: Who doesn’t love iddle kitties?

Cons: There may be confusion/anger when employer realises you are not an iddle kittie.

2. Gravitas

Pros: Sepia makes anyone look classy

Cons: Isambard Kingdom Brunel makes anyone look like a slacker, the jackass. Top hats and cigars may be considered inappropriate for the workplace.

3. The L’Oreal

Pros: Mistakes can easily be deflected by a flick of your head. Hairography is Glee and Glamour Magazine approved. Look at the shiny shiny hair twirling and twirling *dribbles*

Cons: Neck crick, low-flying ceiling fans.

4. The Reverse Psychology

Pros: It deftly explains your ‘anti-arson’ stance. Arson isn’t generally considered a job-worthy skill (unless you are applying to be a dragon – in which case use one of the other approaches) so your boss can breath a sigh of relief and hire you with confidence.

Cons: How long can you suppress the voices?

5. The Art School

- Do not at any stage contact the arts company, they will far more respect an oblique approach, so slip in through an open (or artfully smashed) window at night. The cover of darkness will allow you to wreak your genius uninhibited.

- Find the instruction signs for fire escapes, evacuation procedures, work rotors etc. Replace with copies of your CV. Discard superfluous signs.

- Sit back and wait for the phone ring.

Pros: The subtle installation will impress the art teachers no end and will remind them of Ceal Floyer’s imperceptible work.

Cons: If the phone doesn’t ring you may want to check your local news. You may be perceived as pretentious. This will not work if you are applying for a bank job…or any other job outside of the arts field.

Recession proof….

Cue eerie music…Sandra Bullock is a ballsy American journalist living in Whitechapel. Whilst covering a copycat Jack the Ripper murderer, she accidentally stumbles upon a Masonic gateway to hell and finds the last thing she expected to…her heart…

Music cuts to. ‘You’re the Devil in Disguise’…

She may have found the man of her dreams, but she’s about to discover that dating the devil can be a nightmare…

And he’s finding that life on earth can be a lot like hell…

Music: Sympathy for the Devil…cue makeover montage…

The Beanie

Nope...



The fisherman with a motorbike

Gay...

The Hell's Angel

Super gay...

Lucif-ine

Hell yeah..

And when he meets the family…boy is his face red…

Even love can transcend the nine levels of hell, but when you’re up against a dashing freemason who wants to harness your fiance’s power for evil…

And a jealous ex-boyfriend who’s also a priest…

Does their love stand a chance in, well, y’know..?

Obligatory cheesy end of trailer joke…

From Hell…With Love… Coming to a cinema near you soon…

Catch it before hell freezes over…

Something is not ok - Steve Seeley

Steve Seeley‘s work is a peculiar mix of folk fauna and sci-fi. Deer, bears, wolves and birds frolic in band t-shirts with miniature Supermen, with just the right amount of bonkers to keep this on the tipping side of awesome. His work is similar to Jeremy Fish, Nate Frizzell or Laura Normandin’s graphics for Sufjan Steven’s Michigan album, lowbrow and kitsch with a good, gravitas bestowing dose of irony.

His series The Creature sees various re-imaginings of the UFO Flying Saucers comic, from the (vaguely) sane, run-of-the-mill alien creature to rainbow-puking ferrets:

The Creature series - Steve Seeley

Of course…but that’s what makes his work so fantastic, it’s only the promise of such twisted genius that will keep me happily clicking through a gallery of the same image over and over again. Go here to see the whole series.